TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely away from spot. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let us have One more put where by American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electrical power," explained Trump Tower Damascus political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he ought to prevent using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from House, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting awareness from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD can have turn-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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